I Am More Than My Accolades
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In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful
Assalamu alaykum (Peace be upon you) my beloved. I pray you are well and in the best state of mind, body and heart. Ramadan Mubarak to you. SubhanAllah I can’t believe we’re already making it to the end of the first 10 days. I pray may Allah accept from us our fasts, prayers and supplications. And may He count us among those who have earned His Mercy and Forgiveness, Allahumma Amin.
In the last Soulful Smile, I shared that one of the lessons I learned from my experience in graduate school was - if things, don’t workout the way I expected, sometimes it’s better to walk away earlier. This lesson came as a result of having had to persevere through some of the most toxic environments that were clearly not conducive for my mental health. However, a major part of the reason I stuck through it was my fear of failure and the fear of not satisfying the expectation I and many others had set for me. I felt like I couldn’t live with myself if I quit the program, even if it meant making it to the end in pieces.
Being born as the oldest daughter, everyone always had high expectations for me since I was young and whether consciously or subconsciously, I naturally took on those expectations. I always felt the pressure to satisfy those expectations and I carried that pressure well into my teen years and into adulthood.
In my recent reflection of my grad school years, I realized how much trauma messes with one’s memories. I wasted so much time during and after those two and half years blaming myself for mistakes that were not mine in the first place and circumstances that were out of my control; all in the name of trying to make positive a hard and quiet negative experience that became lesson I never want toed to learn. I didn’t realize how early on in my graduate school years things had started to go south until I came across a journal entry I had penned back then only two months into the program and this is what I wrote:
It is hard finding motivation these days. My body, mind and soul are exhausted. I just want to sleep for as long as my body needs. Thoughts of quitting it all, have become an everyday phenomenon. I know indubitably that I am not the type to quit and I know what I want ultimately or so l may think. I have questioned myself and my competence more in the past few months than the last couple years of my life. Had I not embarked on this unplanned journey, where would I be right now? What would I be doing? Would I be in the state of mind that I am in now? I guess I will never know. Did I make the right decision in taking this path? I guess Iwill make it to the end and find out then.
I am becoming a lot more observant and absorbent of the world around me. Learning more about myself through life's hardship and pain as well as it's beauty. Unlearning the parts of who I thought I was. I am learning and taking steps towards reaching a point where I find my worth not in my accomplishments but in my being in this space that I occupy. A point where I feel deserving of this space I am in, regardless of my accomplishments. This space of transition between who I am and who I am destined to be.
It has been almost two months since I embarked on this path and although I feel stagnant, I still continue to move forward. So in this ever-changing journey where time moves as swift as the wind, I take small courageous steps in becoming a better me, embracing the process of becoming, the silent moments in which my mind goes blank, then goes back to thinking, the fleeting moments in which I appreciate my small world in this big world. Remembering to give all praise and thanks to the most gracious, the most beneficent, for another breath, another day. As a sentient being, I will never have all the answers but I am thankful to He who has prewritten for me what's best in my book even before my conception. The One most sufficient for me and the best disposer of my affairs.
It has been a few years since I made this journal entry, but I still find myself in this liminal space of trying to learn and know who I am beyond my accomplishments. I still hold myself to very high and sometimes unrealistic expectations and I am still the biggest critic of myself. However, what is true now that wasn’t before, is that I know that I am more than my accolades; that it is okay to not have it together always; to not have achieved all the things I thought I would or should have achieved by a certain age. Although, the life I am living now is not the life I had envisioned for myself all those years ago, it is exactly the life that Allah has predestined for me. And if I Allah has willed it, then it is good. I am content with the knowledge that The All-Knowing, All-Aware and The Perfect Fashioner is shaping the trajectory of my life.
Alhamdulillah with Ramadan here now, I am allowing myself to spend time cultivating a more intimate relationship with Allah, to know myself through knowing Allah. Ramadan is a time to nourish my soul. I am allowing myself to let go of life as I had once known it, in which my worth was dependent on my productivity, my accomplishments and what I am able to do for others. I am allowing myself to pay attention to who I am as a human occupying this space I am in. To surrender, breathe and to let go of who I thought I was supposed to be and what I thought I was suposed to achieve. And to accept that while existing in this liminal space is harder to inhabit, it is better than holding onto the ghosts of who I was.
If you’ve made it to the end of this Soulful Smile, my hope for you as always is that like an oasis, it provides you with a semblance of refuge, relief and a pleasant contrast to the arid nature of life.
With A Smile,
Ibtisam
ICYMI: 30 Reflective Days is Back Again This Ramadan Alhamdulillah. May Allah Accept from Us, Amin Ya Rabb.
