Tired, Confused, Maybe Lonely but Hopeful
﷽
In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful
Assalamu alaykum (Peace be upon you) my beloved. I pray you are well and in the best state of mind, body and heart. It’s been so long since I made your acquaintance through a Soulful Smile. In the time we were apart, Ramadan and both Eids have come to pass so quickly as they always do. Accept a belated Eid Mubarak from me. I pray that Allah accepted from us our fasts, prayers, supplications and whatever efforts we had put forth. And may He count us among those who earned His Mercy and Forgiveness, Allahumma Amin.
This edition of Soulful Smile might be the longest one I’ve written, 1) because so much time has passed since I have sent out a newsletter and 2) because I spent so much time vacillating between how honest and raw I wanted to be and whether or not to send out this edition of the newsletter at all.
I have sat many times to write this newsletter, and I’m either unable to find the right words to pen down or whatever I am able to jot down just didn’t feel good enough. Hence, the unplanned hiatus.
After much contemplation and du’a, my renewed intention for this letter in your inbox today is that: I am going to write for myself, honestly, freely and as raw as possible as if no one else is going to be reading this. And my hope and du’a is that, may Allah allows this moment of my vulnerability albeit uncomfortable, to be of benefit even if it is for one person. That someone feels less alone after reading this, then Alhamdulillah.
And if you do make it to the end, thank you - I appreciate you lending me some of your precious time and I pray may Allah allow that window of time you spent to be of barakah.
So much has happened within the past several months since you recieved a Soulful Smile in your inbox - I became a “pawrent” to two, now not-so-little kitten furballs Allahumma Barik; I moved to a different city, Alhamdulillah; my family and I each took turns getting sick over the span of almost 3 weeks (that wasn’t fun), subhanAllah and it’s just been one thing after the other. And I have now found myself in a sort of a slump (because I can’t find the right word to describe it).
The cruxes of this slump being that I am tired and I miss who I am or maybe some version of me that I was once so sure of, sometimes I am not sure if I know who I am at all. I may even be confused. For someone who thrives in solitude, lately, I have also felt a bit of loneliness creeping in. And I have found myself asking more questions than I am finding answers to them. What does it mean to truly live? to love and to be loved? to be and exist just as myself with all of my complex thoughts and feelings?
Who are you Ibtisam? Who do you want to be? Or maybe who are you that you are currently not being? I don’t know the answers to these but what I do know is that I’ve found myself in this liminal space of misalignment, a shift that is causing me a great deal of discomfort and has me fantasizing about diasappearing (not death) but getting away from everything and everyone.
I have dreams of going far away, to be alone but not lonely. To be able to do things freely, not anything dangerous or reckless but just to be able to wake up, make a cup of tea, read a book, go out for a walk or better still do nothing but be in the bliss of my own thoughts, devoid of the angst of deadlines, of being responsible for others, or someone waiting for me or wanting something. I crave days that I can truly call my own. Days I can just wander and be lost in my thoughts without anyone’s interruption.
Some days I curl into a ball, drowning in the puddle of my tears. I am tired of girlbossing, I am tired of overachieving, I am tired of being the eldest daughter, and the role model. I am tired of being the main carrier of responsibilities, I am tired of being expected to know better, to be perfect, to know the right thing to say and when to say it. I am tired of having to be an example. I am tired of being reminded that I am 28 and unmarried. I am tired of being expected to be the bigger person.
I am tired of being the perfectionist, ambitious, organized and plan-oriented girl that I am. I am tired of this feeling of loneliness that I continue to feel. I am tired of being terrible at asking for help. I am tired of this constant feeling of not being a filial daughter or good sister because I am not able to do enough. I am tired of the constant feeling of being a bad friend because I haven’t been able to show up for the ones I love in the way that they need or that I feel I could because I’m caught right in the middle of the whirlwind of my own storm. I am tired of feeling inadequate, feeling behind and not cool.
I am tired of all the “should have, could have, would have;” of punishing myself for not doing better when I didn’t know better. As an eldest daughter and an older sister, I feel like I am always making mistakes, constantly fumbling and beating myself up for not doing enough and not reaching out more. I would like to believe that in every moment, I have, and I am doing the best I possibly can for that moment and for those around me. But some days, I feel like a letdown. And these days, I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I saw a post that read “I am out with lanterns looking for myself” and there aren’t any words besides these to describe this current stage of life I’ve found myself in. The Qur’an has been a great source of solace and hope [94:5-6; 39:53; 2:286; 65:3] and I continue to drink from it’s endless well.
And while I feel like a caged bird with my wings clipped and my feet tied, far in the horizon I can sense freedom. And although I sing in quavering tones and rusty tunes of uncertainty, my trembling voice can be heard far up in the sky by the Lord of all worlds, He is Al-Wasī’ - The Vast, All-Encompassing, The Expansive [2:115]!
If you’ve made it to the end of this week’s Soulful Smile, my hope for you as always is that like an oasis, it provides you with a semblance of refuge, relief and a pleasant contrast to the arid nature of life.
I leave you with an excerpt from the poem Caged Bird by Maya Angelou because it perfectly encapsulates the sentiment I tried to express through this letter.
But a bird that stalks down his narrow cage can seldom see through his bars of rage his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing
The caged bird sings with a fearful trill of things unknown but longed for still and his tune is heard on the distant hill for the caged bird sings of freedom
With A Smile, Ibtisam
Click Below to Read the Full Poem by Maya Angelou
