Having The Courage To Be Disliked
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In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful
Assalamu alaykum (peace be upon you) my beloved. I pray you are well and in the best state of mind, body and heart.
There are many events, experiences and interactions that mark pivotal moments in our life. For me one of those experiences has been graduate school. I often find myself revisiting this time in my life in reflection. Knowing what I know now, what could I have done better? I do this not as an act of regret because as a muslim, I do not entertain or engage in what I call the if phenomena, for that is a sure gateway for shaytan (satan/the devil). Allah decreed for me this experience and what He wills, He does. I revisit this experience as a way of looking backward in order to move forward; to draw from the lessons it taught me and to remind myself of Allah’s mercy.
The two years during grad school was one, if not the most tumultuous time of my now 27 years of life. I was faced with challenge after challenge. Many times, I was at the brink of quitting. Eventually, my colleagues in my cohort graduated and I was still facing difficulties. Coupled with this was the unforeseen outbreak of the covid pandemic which further hindered my completion of the program. Simultaneously, the country was in a heightened state of racial injustice. Nonetheless, I persevered as I always do, holding tightly onto my faith in Allah to help me through these difficult times. I completed my project, defended my thesis and submitted my master’s thesis paper for my degree to be conferred. I earned my Master of Science in Biological Sciences Alhamdulillah!
While for most people, such an accomplishment may evoke a sense of pride, for me it’s like a scar from a wound. Till today, I stare at my degree bittersweetly. In this week’s Soulful Smile, I wanted to share this experience with you to share some of the lessons I learned:
If things don’t work out the way I wanted or expected, sometimes it is better to walk away earlier. Don’t dwell, Allah knows best why it didn’t work out. Don’t force it.
It is okay not to be okay. Admitting that I need help doesn’t make me weak but strong. It takes corage and strength to ask for help.
Do not stay silent. Speak up for myself. It is hard the first time but it gets easier the more I do it. Do not stay quiet because I want to “keep the peace” or “don’t want to hurt people’s feelings” at the expense of my peace and my feelings.
My worth is not tied to my degrees, accolades and my accomplishments.
Do not compare myself to another person. Everyone is on their own timeline and pace. It is okay if I am not at the stage society thinks I should be.
The most challenging was speaking up and advocating for myself during grad school. I normally just endure hardships and stay quiet to avoid conflicts, confrontations or hurting other’s feelings. Even more scary to me was the thought of being disliked or shunned as a result of speaking up. However, the quieter I remained, the more I was suffering and hurting. I came to the realization that my silence here was not protecting me and instead my silence was going to be my demise. At some point I had to muster the courage to speak up and seek help. While speaking ended up upsetting the people involved despite it not being my intention, I was able to save myself from what could possibly had been a worst outcome. What I’ve learned from this is that speaking up and standing up for myself was hard the first time but the more I did, the easier it became. I don’t think I have reached the point where I could say it comes naturally but I’m glad I did.
I also learned that no matter how much of a good intention I have in speaking up and standing up for myself, it is not always going to be appreciated or welcomed. Still, I won’t stop advocating for myself. Instead I will learn from the mistakes I made in the process, take responsibility and grow from it. Through this experience, I learned the importance of speaking up for myself and having difficult conversations. I am slowly learning to overcome and let go of the fear of doing so and I am learning to have the courage to be disliked in the process.
If you’ve made it to the end of this Soulful Smile, thank you! I hope through me sharing, you find something that speaks to your heart. And if perhaps you have found yourself in a similar experience, I hope you do not let your silence bury you in pain but instead you able to take one more step towards having the courage to be disliked.
With A Smile,
Ibtisam
P.S: Ramadan is 30 days away. A reminder to set my intentions. May Allah allow us to reach it and allow it to reach us and see us through a beneficial and fruitful month. I can’t wait to embark on another year of 30 Reflective Days with you In Sha Allah.
If you haven’t already, read Ramadan Day 1 from 2023’s 30 Reflective Days on Setting Intentions ↓
