Solitude, Silence And Me
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In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful
Assalamu alaykum (Peace be upon you) my beloved. I pray you are well and in the best state of mind, body and heart.
For a long time, I battled with the knowing that I spent much time inside my head; that when the destructions and distractions of life and this world became overwhelming, my natural inclination is to retreat into the cocoon of myself. This, I was criticised for growing up and still do even now. Hence, I fought to change that part of me but I think God had other plans for me in this regard. Rather than fighting it, what I needed was to allow myself to get to know me this way.
I have always been highly introverted and throughout the twenty-seven years of my life, I’ve become used to my own company, not loneliness, but falling in love with my solitude. When the world outside me becomes too noisy and chaotic, my imagination has always been where I returned to find me, to feel grounded. It is in my solitude, in my silence, in my stillness and in quiet moments of reflection, that I find my voice, that I find closeness to God, that I access my heart and allow myself to be vulnerable.
Solitude, Silence and Me. This is where I feel the most honest, where I become more myself. Ironically, silence is where I find the words to name myself, to name my thoughts and to name my feelings. Being alone comes naturally to me and I foresee myself leading a life of deliberate solitude. And if occasional loneliness creeps in, I allow myself to dive into the labyrinth of my thoughts and sink into the uncharted waters of my consciousness to absorb its peculiar comforts.
So when I think about when I am the happiest, and I use happiness very loosely here. When I think about a time when I am most at ease, it is when I am spending time alone, either reading, journaling, engaging spiritually and reflecting quietly. It is when I am by myself embracing my solitude. Sometimes drenched in feelings of joy, gratitude, contentment and other times sadness, grief, heartache and anxiety that comes with uncertainty and not feeling enough. And even in these moments, I still feel the most at ease.
Majority of the time, I am commuting to or from work either on the bus or on the train. Other times I am taking a walk in nature. Mentally I am imagining a time when I don’t have to be in survival mode, when I am not constantly fighting mind battles, when I am not grasping for air out of the dark, of a time when there aren’t entire blackouts in the years that pass me by, a time where I could just be. Spiritually, my heart basks in the depth of my yearning for the divine love of and closeness to my creator with nary a hesitation, until I’ve surrendered to Him, removing all veils of doubt and fear. Emotionally, I am wallowing in a sea of feelings that are strong and sometimes confusing and too hard to bear or sort through. I am growing through the pains, learning to let go, embracing the process in hopes of freeing myself.
These moments affirm for me that I am not stagnant, that I am going to be okay even if being okay doesn’t always look like what I’ve pictured. Sometimes being okay comes with days of laughter, dancing, love and warmth. Other times it will be days my heart feels heavy. I allow myself to feel many things in hopes of learning, unlearning, healing, and growing. Solitude, Silence and Me. In these moments, I am myself, no walls, no filters, no worrying about what others think of me, not ashamed of the flawed parts of me. I am a whole person, worthy of accepting myself, of love and joy. I am more than my failures, my losses and my scars.
I hope you are able to carve out time for Solitude, Silence and Yourself especially in these times when deliberate solitude, silence and stillness have become increasingly rare. I hope you allow your imagination to take you to a place where you can hear the sound of your own voice.
With A Smile,
Ibtisam
Castaway - A Poem Written & Performed by aja monet.
