A Gift of An Honored Connection
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In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful
Assalamu alaykum (Peace be upon you) my beloved, and thank you once again for joining me on this journey. I pray you are well and in the best state of mind, body and heart.
It’s that time again, where we begin to wrap up the year and make plans for a new year. For me, it involves looking back at different moments in time, reminiscing the many version of myself I encountered in those moments and how they all converged to bring me to my present self. I tend to go back to reread all of my writings and journal entries that year. As I mentioned in our first Soulful Smile last week, in my first memory I’m a writer. Writing is my first love, my first voice even. I’ve always been one to pen my thoughts, so writing in reflection isn’t new to me. My writings are a mix of recollections of moments and events, archives of my unending scattered thoughts, supplications and prayers, frustrations, cries for help and intimate conversations with my creator. In 2017, I started writing in earnest looking at the year in review. And I have written a year in review each year since then. Sometimes, that looks like focusing on a single event that played a signifcant role in defining how the rest of my year went.
I sat down to reflect on this year and to think of my intentions for the approaching new year. And as I flipped through the pages of my journal both physically and digitally, I came to the realization that this year and the last few years were marked by my deepest yearning for Allah. In one entry, I wrote:
I want to be more intentional and attentive with my relationship with Allah. I really want to cultivate a deep closeness with Allah.
And throughout the year I kept making du’a asking Allah for closeness to Him, for a sign that will allow me to feel His presence. I continued flipping through the pages, and I came across an entry that shook my body with a chilling realization. Allah had answered my du’a with a gift of an honored connection with Him. In this entry I was writing to a prompt about a moment when I felt a connection to Allah, a moment when I felt certainty that Allah was real. In this week’s Soulful Smile, I wanted to share this specific entry with you because I think it encapsulates the heart of a lover who seeks the love of The Beloved: ↓
A Moment When I Felt A Connection To Allah, When I felt Certainty Allah Was Real
The clouds had formed when I walked out that morning heading to work. The sky was grayed out, the atmosphere was gloomy, a stark contrast to what the days had been before this one. It had been a bright sunny day just two days before, then there was some light rain the day before but this day seemed like it was expecting a heavy downpour.
I made my way to work not thinking much of it, thinking to myself “oh well, I guess we won’t be having much of a spring season with all this rain,” unbeknownst to me what was to emerge from this particular rainy day.
Dhuhr (midday/noon prayer) drew near and I grabbed my pocket sajādah (prayer mat) and headed towards one of the conference rooms to pray. Upon entry, I found all the blinds had been opened and in front of me was the majestic view of the sky and the pouring rain outside. I couldn’t take another step forward towards my usual corner of prayer and I just stood staring and listening attentively to the sound of each droplet. As if a force had anchored my feet unwillingly to the ground I stood on.
I marveled at the sight in front of me. My heart swell in heaviness, in absolute adoration of the majesty of Allah. The cells on my skin lifted, with opening pores spreading goosebumps all over. My eyes swelled in tears and I proclaimed: Ya Salām grant me peace. Ya Salām grant me peace. Ya Salam grant me peace.
I continued on with my prayer and carried this feeling, this heavy heart that was honored with the awe of Allah throughout the day. And with each passing hour, I whispered the praises of Allah. Alhamdulillah - all praise and thanks belong to Allah. Thank you for allowing my heart to experience what it feels like to be in awe of You, exalted and praised are You.
If you have struggled to connect with Allah or like me have had a deep yearning to be closer to Him, look no further for there are so many signs around us through which you can feel Him. Allah clearly mentions this in Surah Ar-Rum - Qur’an 30:17-27. And most importantly never give up on continuously calling on Him, asking Him to grant you closeness to Him. It may be that you have already been gifted with your own honored connection. Yearning for Allah is from Allah and is in itself a closeness to Him. The fact that Allah put it in your heart is a sign that he wants His closeness for you. You can’t yearn for Allah if Allah did not allow you to yearn for Him. Finally, as we enter into the new year, I leave you with one of many du’as I made this year ↓
A Servant’s Desperate Du’a
Ya Allah Ya Rabb You’re all I have. Ya Rahmān I’m in desperate need of Your mercy; Ya Ghafār I’m in desperate need of Your forgiveness; Ya Wadūd I’m in desperate need of Your love; Ya Karīm I’m in desperate need of Your generosity; Ya Allah Ya Rahmān I’m in desperate need of Your comfort; Ya Salām I’m in desperate need of Your peace and tranquility; Ya Waliyy I’m in desperate need of Your companionship, Your protection and Your allyship. Ya Allah Ya Rahmān I’m in desperate need of You. I ask You for You by all of Your perfect names, the ones I know, the ones I don’t, the ones You’ve made known and the ones You’ve kept to Yourself; grant me the honor of Your companionship. Amīn.
With love,
Your humble and desperate servant,
Ibtisam
Whatever it is that your heart was in need of this past week, I pray this week’s oasis of reflection provides you a semblance of it.
With A Smile,
Ibtisam
P.S: Ramadan is quickly approaching, may Allah allow us to reach it and allow it to reach us and see us through a beneficial and fruitful month. I can’t wait to embark on another year of 30 Reflective Days with you In Sha Allah.
If you haven’t already, read 2023’s 30 Reflective Days ↓
