I have been really sad about not being able to stand in prayer during the majority of the last ten days/nights. And today my heart is heavier after learning that “if the night before Friday coincides with one of the odd-numbered nights during the last ten nights, then it is more likely than others to be Laylatul-Qadr.”

I know salah is not the only form of ibadah to engage in and I have been waking up to immerse myself in Qur’an recitation, dhikr and du’a. But I can’t help the sadness that I feel about not being able to stand in salah. I keep reminding myself that menstruation is in itself an act of worship and a Rahma from Allah. That perhaps Allah wants for me to discover the sweetness of other forms of worship besides salah. May Allah forgive me for my shortsightedness.

Alhamdulilah this Ramadan for me has been one like no other Ramadan I’ve experienced aside from last year’s. I felt that I had a pretty steady momentum going and couldn’t wait to double down in the last ten nights. But as Allah’s decree will have it, I am unable to pray. And Allah is the best of planners.

It feels like I was making my way up a hill, only for a huge boulder to be dropped in my path and I’m having to push it up the hill as I climb. I am even more frustrated with myself for feeling this way when I know that this is a mercy from Allah. But I am comforted by the fact that it’s something “Allah has decreed on the daughters of Adam.” as Rasul ﷺ said to our mother ‘Aisha when he found her sad and weeping because she got her menses and couldn’t participate in Hajj.

And I find comfort in the Hadith of Rasul narrated by Abu Huraira who said the messenger of Allah ﷺ said:

“Strive for that which will benefit you, seek the help of Allah, and do not feel helpless. If anything befalls you, do not say, “if only I had done such and such rather say “ قدَّرَ اللهُ وما شاءَ فعلْ (QaddarAllahu wa ma sha’a fa’ala - Allah has decreed and whatever he wills, He does).” For (saying) ‘If’ opens (the door) to the deeds of Satan.'”

Ya Rahman Ya Afuw, You are the Forgiver, You love to forgive so forgive me. Ya Rabb accept from me what I’m able to put forth to You as I strive towards getting closer to You. Ya Jabbar (The Restorer, The Mender of that which is broken), restore my heart, mend the broken parts, I come to you with my heart and my deeds in pieces and fragments Ya Jabbar put them together, heal them and make me whole again. Amin

With love, Ibtisam